One Week

It's been a difficult week to say the least. I keep thinking to myself that I don't know how I ever will get through this. So many people have been telling me that the pain lessens and I am sure they are right. But it seems a long way away.

The grief is constant--always present, but there are times when it sneaks up on me and really hits me. Like today, Andrew was watching a movie and laying next to me on the couch snuggling and James was sitting on the floor by us. And then, it just hits me. Something is missing--or rather, someone. Matthew is missing. Matthew will always be missing. We will never be watching a movie or doing anything for that matter--all four of us.

And I know there was nothing I could have done, but I feel so helpless as a mother. I feel that I let Matthew down because I couldn't protect him from the hydrops. I was supposed to keep him safe when he was in my womb.

I know he's in a better place now and he's not hurting or suffering. But I want him to be with me so badly. I want to hold him. I want to see him grow up. I want so many things for him that aren't possible anymore.

I showed Andrew a photo of Matthew and asked him who he was. He replied "me" thinking most baby pictures I show him are of him. I told him that it wasn't him, but Matthew. And he then replied "my baby". Yes, sweet boy, he is your baby.

I am sad that Matthew couldn't live longer so we could have had more time with him. And I wish he had lived long enough that Andrew could have met him and hold him too. But then James and I wondered if it would be too hard on Andrew to have made that connection and bonded with his little brother just to lose him. We didn't know what to do; and we still don't.

We miss you so much, Matthew. We love you with all our hearts.