Happy 1st Birthday, Matthew

After the game, we headed straight to Party City to pick out balloons for Matthew's birthday. Of course, Andrew wanted to get green balloons for his little brother. But we also picked red for my favorite color and blue for Daddy's. And I told Andrew that we should get the ones with the "1" on them since Matthew was turning one today.

Next, we drove to the cemetery to release the balloons. As we sent our balloons up to Heaven, Andrew said "Happy Birthday, Matthew. I love you. I hope you have a good birthday."

Then, we just came home and spent the day alone. I had told James that I just wanted it to be just us today. I didn't think I could handle much anything else. We spent the day hanging out at the house. James and Andrew played the Wii some; and then we all went swimming at Rice.

We actually had a little prayer service down in League City yesterday with Ngoai. I know I had said I wanted it to be just us, but I don't know how to exactly set up the prayer alter so I needed my mom's help. In the Buddhist religion, you pray for loved ones on the day of their death versus the day of the births. You can do this at the temple or with family and friends, but I couldn't do either. I just knew it would be too hard. After Ngoai and I prayed, we asked Andrew if he wanted to pray for Matthew. He was very sweet. He told Matthew "Happy Birthday. I love you. I miss you." He even teared up a little bit.

I know it's been so hard on him. He doesn't understand death; and no four year old should have to. He asks me questions sometimes I don't even know the answer to. Tonight, he asked me about why people have to die and why can't doctors fix everything. I feel so badly that he lost his little brother. I am sad that so many of his friends have siblings here on Earth and Andrew doesn't. It's just so unfair that Andrew has had to go through this.

I knew it was going to be a hard week for me, but I didn't know how hard it was going to be. This past Sunday was the 15th; and it was the day we learned about the hydrops and from that moment on, all the events that followed were set in motion. I just keep thinking about what we were doing one year ago today from being at home that morning getting the call from Dr. Kirshon about delivering Matthew that evening to going to the hospital and waiting and then the delivery room and the rest of that night. I think about holding Matthew and not wanting to let go ever. I keep wishing that there was more time with him.

A year later and I am still wishing. Wishing things could have been different. Wishing he was with us now. We would be having his first birthday party with friends and family. He would probably be walking and talking by now. We would have had an entire year with him instead of incredibly short time we did. Then, I have to remind myself that had he survived, he might not be walking or talking. The doctors said he would have had severe neurological and physical issues. I would give anything to have him here with us, but I wouldn't want him to live that way. I have to find solace in that there is a reason for everything. As much as we miss our little boy, it probably was for the best, which breaks my heart a little more.

It's been the hardest year of my life. I miss Matthew every day and still grieve for him. Yes, there are days that are better and the pain isn't so raw. But there will always be a sadness I feel because part of me is missing. And I feel different. I am not the same person that I was a year ago. There is an emptiness that I feel all the time. A gaping hole in my heart that will never be healed.

I used to be scared of dying. But now, I find comfort in that when I die, I will be reunited with Matthew. By no means am I saying that I want to die now. I want to be here for James and Andrew. I want to grow old with my dear husband and watch Andrew grow into a man and have a family of his own. But I do find myself more welcoming of death than I used to. I know there is something more, or rather someone, for me in Heaven now.

Happy 1st Birthday, Matthew! Daddy, Mommy, and Andrew miss you and love you so very much.

Enya - If I Could Be Where You Are

Where are you this moment?
only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
is there a sign I should know,
is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
if I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home to me