I am at a constant state knowing that Matthew is gone, but there are times when it hits me how things would be different if Matthew were here. Like what would we dress him up as for Halloween. Like when I was in Michael's the other day and would be buying a baby's first Christmas ornament. Like how I would have both him and Andrew in chapel at St. Luke's.
People have suggested my seeing a grief counselor, but I am not quite sure yet. First and foremost, I don't feel like I am ready. I think the pain is too fresh and it won't really do much good at this point. And I am not sure if I am even ready to talk to a third party about Matthew yet. I know my pain and grief is all fairly standard. I am able to get out of bed and go about my day. No one can argue that I do function as a normal person would. I am open to seeing someone when I think I am ready and that it will do me some good. I know the counselor will be able to help work though some things.
As for James, he is still my rock and greatest supporter. I am so grateful to have had him by my side through our tragedy. I will admit that we do grieve differently, but we try our best to work through it and support each other through our pain.
I am well aware that divorces unfortunately occur more with couples that suffer a loss of a child. And I can totally understand why that is. There are times when I have never felt more close to James and more in love with him, but there are times when I feel so alone. And not because he has not been there for me when I needed him. But I feel a disconnect with everyone and everything. I'd rather not admit this, but there has been more than one occasion that I have longed for death so that I can be reunited with Matthew. But I know that I have a husband and son that love me and need me so the feeling is fleeting. Don't get me wrong, I do have a will to live, but let's just say that I am not as scared of dying that I used to be. I know it's a terrible thing to think and feel and I might sound crazy and may need to seek professional help. I have read through the stages of grief and nothing I am feeling is out of the ordinary.
As for Andrew, he is coping as best that a three-year old. He still asks every now and then when Matthew is coming back even though I have told him that Matthew is not able to come back. Andrew knows Matthew's in Heaven with God and Jesus, but I still think Andrew thinks Heaven is a place you go to visit and can come back from.
But we are all doing the best we can trying to take it day by day. Some days are better than others that's for sure, but we just try to cope and put the pieces of our lives back together.
Matthew, our dear sweet boy, we hope you know how much you are loved and missed.
Below is another song that says a lot of what I am feeling. The singer and songwriter wrote this in honor of her nephew that passed away when he was twenty-one.
Karen Taylor-Good - Precious Child
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
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