I broke down once on Thanksgiving. There were times throughout the day that I felt Matthew's absence, but only once did it get to me where I couldn't stop but cry. I was surrounded by so much family and friends, but there was one person whose presence was not there that weighed heavy on my heart.
With Christmas right around the corner, I keep thinking how it would Matthew's first Christmas and how everything would be different. Instead of looking for ornaments for "Baby's First Christmas", I am looking for memorial ornaments. It's easier with having to do things to prepare for Christmas for Andrew, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. I just think that I should be having to prepare for Christmas for two children and not one here on Earth and one in Heaven.
James and I have discussed about what we want to do for Matthew for Christmas and what we have come up with is releasing balloons again. And Andrew seems to like the idea of doing that for his baby brother too so that helps immensely. I don't know if I can handle much else.
Even our holiday photo session got to me a little. I knew it would, but I didn't fathom how much. It just felt weird not having all four of us in the picture. Matthew is part of our family and to have a family picture without him seems so wrong. But sadly, we will never have a family photo like the one my heart wants. And it was hard to decide on a design for our cards too. I kept looking at the photos we took and thinking Matthew should be in the picture too. It breaks my heart that we won't ever have a family photo with all four of us.
But the holidays are definitely trying for me. Even when I am running around doing stuff for Christmas like buying presents, I can't help to think of how it would be if I had my little baby on the go with me. I sometimes allow myself to imagine how I would be dressing both boys in their matching Christmas outfits and taking them to see Santa. One of my favorite Christmas songs is I'll Be Home for Christmas and now I just think how Matthew won't be home for Christmas. Well, not at our home. Just all these things in the normal course of my life are affected by his absence.
I know it's normal to be sadder around the holidays. I am trying to cope as best I can. And most days, I am able to cope and go about my life. I keep trying to focus on what I do have and not what I don't. I tell myself that Matthew is where he needs to be. He'll be celebrating Christmas in the most perfect place--celebrating the birth of Jesus up in Heaven with God and Jesus. It just still hurts so much that he's not here with us.
I'll close with another song that I've been listening to. I would give just about anything to have one more day with my son...one more second even. Just anything so I could hold him, kiss him, and tell him how much I love him.
And lastly, one of the few pictures of Daddy, Mommy, and Matthew.
Diamond Rio - One More Day
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
Chorus
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you
Chorus
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
Chorus
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
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