D-Day

I have been dreading this day since we lost Matthew. Today would be the day we would have been welcoming our son to the world. But instead, he left us eight weeks tomorrow. For the last eight weeks, I keep thinking "I should still be pregnant...he should still be in my belly." But today, if I hadn't gone into labor already, my c-section was scheduled for this morning. I thought about it last night at the baseball game...if things were different, we would have been at home getting things ready for today. I thought about it this morning...if things were different, we would be heading to the hospital.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Matthew and miss him beyond words. The emptiness I feel is still ever present and to say we are grieving doesn't even begin to do our feelings justice. Life goes on, yes, we know. We still have Andrew and we have to be parents to him. We have to go on with our everyday lives, but my world is shattered. My heart is broken. I have never felt so lost. I miss him so much it hurts.

Below is a song that I have been listening to more times than I care to admit. It is sung by a group called Selah. One of their members, Todd, and his wife, Angie, lost their fourth daughter, Audrey shortly after her birth after learning that the baby would most likely not survive, but choosing not to terminate the pregnancy. I remember reading their story a few years ago and later, her book as well. And both moved me to tears back then. I couldn't imagine their loss, pain, and grief. Now, we live it too; and what she writes really resonates with me now. She truly is an inspiration and an amazing writer; and the song is so beautiful.

Selah - I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies
Wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
There's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

Chorus:
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you

Bridge:
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He said,"I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted sea
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

Chorus:
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me
To carry you