Six Months Later

It's been six months since we said goodbye to Matthew. Six months ago, my world was turned upside down and I am still reeling from the loss. In so many things that I have read and been told, six months was supposed to be this milestone when people were better able to deal with their loss. And it was getting a little easier for me with the passing of the holiday season. But then, a little while ago, I had a dream about losing him. I woke up feeling the loss of Matthew all over again and it's stayed with me since then.

I am still very sad, but I do feel that I am able to cope better. I don't cry everyday anymore, which is positive I feel. But there are some days, when I cry all the time. The pain is not as raw, but is still ever-present. I miss Matthew so much it literally hurts my heart. I still feel this huge gaping hole in my heart and my soul. I still ache from Matthew's absence from our lives. I keep thinking that he would be six months old and would be learning to sit up, crawling, eating baby foods, and whatever else my brain decides to torture me with.

Sometimes, I think it's funny how life still goes on. Our day was so busy today and I don't know if that's God's way to take my mind off things or because we have to move on and put our lives back together again without Matthew here. But no matter how busy we are or what we have going on, I still feel the sadness and always think of my baby boy up in Heaven.

We should be learning about the results of the genetic testing soon. My doctors recommended us to wait six months before trying to get pregnant again to let my body heal and of course to hear the results of the tests. James and I have started talking about trying again. We know we would like another baby, but of course, have reservations and are worried. We can't bear the thought of losing another baby. But we will see what the the geneticist says and go from there.

Here are the lyrics and video to another song that I have been listening to. I had heard the song before and liked it, but I heard a group sing it on The Sing Off and for whatever reason, it has stuck with me ever since. The images below are prints I asked Thuy to create for us. They are actually true to scale of Matthew's hands and feet. We put them in a double frame to give to our family.

Feels Like Home written by Randy Newman

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong