Four Months Later

Four months have passed since that fateful day where we welcomed Matthew into the world for him to returned back to Heaven twenty-five minutes later. It was such a short time, but it changed our lives forever.

Usually I love this time of year with the holidays coming. I look forward to all the time with family, the decorations everywhere, and the general holiday spirit that seems to put everyone in a more joyous mood. But it's definitely been harder this year. I find myself partly dreading them.

I keep thinking it would be Matthew's first Thanksgiving and first Christmas. I keep thinking of what we would be doing if we had both our sons with us. How our plans would be affected by having a little one with us like if we would be travelling or staying put here in Houston.

Christmas is coming on in full swing it seems. Andrew has been wanting to put up our tree so James pulled down our boxes of decorations down from the attic and I started going through them. Last year, my mom had brought us stocking holders with our letters and had purchased a M in case we were having a girl to be named Madeline. But when I saw it, I immediately thought of Matthew and couldn't help but be sad.

I have been debating on whether I should get Matthew a stocking to be hung with ours. I have read that some families have done this for their children in Heaven since they are still very much part of the family and then put a little something in the stocking like a letter to the child or a gift to be donated to charity. But at least for this year, I am going to forego it because I think it would be too hard for us. Our wounds are still too fresh.

The other day, I was talking to Andrew about releasing balloons again on Christmas and Andrew asked if Santa will bring a gift to Matthew up in Heaven. I told him that Santa brings presents to kids on Earth only since there are already so many and God and Jesus probably would take care of gifts for Matthew.

And then, there is a pang of sadness that hits me every time I look at a nativity scene. I see baby Jesus in the manger and think of my sweet boy in Heaven.

Some days are better than others. It has been getting a little better, but with the holidays coming up, it's getting hard again. I pray for the strength to make it through. I know that I need to make it the best I can for Andrew. He deserves it and he needs it.

A song was released recently and the first time I heard it, I thought of Matthew and loved it immediately. It's on the Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 soundtrack and I think Christina Perri's voice is amazing.

I particularly am moved by the chorus. I believe that Matthew was meant to be part of our family. I was meant to be his mother from the beginning of time. And I have loved him for as long as I have lived; and I will love him for all eternity.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

(Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
One step closer
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more