One Month

It's been one month since Matthew came into this world and went to Heaven. It's probably been the hardest month that we have ever been through--not probably, definitely. There are days like today where I feel like I am constantly on the brink of tears and any moment, I will lose it. Some days I handled better than others; and others, I don't handle very well at all.

I didn't fair too well last night seeing Andrew dote on Brandon especially when he said he wanted to "pat" him and he was going "to teach him" how to play with some toys. It pains me to know that Andrew won't be able to love on Matthew like that and be the big brother that I wanted him to be.

And then when we were at Mylen's birthday party, everything was fine. But at the end of the party, Andrew grabbed two favor bags and I told him he could only have one. He pointed out that Liya herself had two bags. I just quickly retorted "she has one for her brother." And Andrew quickly replies "I want one for my brother too." I lost it.

I try not to cry in front of Andrew everytime he talks about Matthew for fear that he will be scared to talk about him thinking it will always make me sad. He will bring him up every now and then and will tell us he misses Matthew or ask if Matthew is an angel now.

There have been times when I can talk about Matthew and not cry or get upset, but there are times, I am not strong enough to keep my composure.

I keep thinking to myself that I should still be pregnant and getting ready for our son to come instead of losing him a month ago. Then, I will think of how our lives would be if we had Matthew at home with us. Even this blog posting would be very different. I would be writing of things he would be doing and all the new experiences we would be having.

So far, there have been two genenic tests run, both of which have come normal. I just went in last week to give another blood sample for another test which is going to be ran in addition to one more. After that, we'll see what happens. Part of me was a little disappointed of the results. Part of me thinks that at least we would have some answers if it was genetic. But the other part of me doesn't want it to be so I don't keep thinking that it's something between us that caused it and could happen again if we try again. Just lots of mixed feelings every which way.

Matthew, my sweet baby boy, I miss you so much. My arms feel empty not being able to hold you. There is a gaping hole in my heart. I love your dad and brother so much; and I am so grateful for them. But I still feel like a part of our family is missing. I love you so very much.

I have included below Matthew's announcements and thank you cards that my cousin, Thuy, so beautifully made for us. Thuy, we can't thank you enough for all that you have done in helping us remember our son.

And also, thank you to Thuy and Anh who were at the hospital that night by our side. Moreover, thank you, Monica, for being there for us this past week and helping with Andrew. We can't thank you all enough.

The verses on the announcement and thank you cards are:

I prayed for this child.
The Lord answered my prayer and gave him to me.
Now I give him back to the Lord.
He will belong to the Lord all his life.

1 Samuel 27:28

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4