Our Little Boy

Yesterday was kind of like a whirlwind from the start. Part of it whizzed by like a blur and part of it seemed to transpire in slow motion. Sometimes, it's so surreal I keep thinking it didn't really happen, but it's as real as it gets.

I started the morning by trying to get some work done at home when I received a call from Becky, Dr. Kirshon's nurse. She told me that from the panel discussion this morning, the panel felt that it would be best to deliver the baby as soon as possible. First, they were worried the longer the baby was in my belly, the fluid would continue to deteriorate his organs especially his heart. And secondly, the longer the baby was in the my belly, the higher the chances that my uterus would erupt. Becky said they could schedule the C-section for 6pm that night at St. Luke's Hospital.

Of course, I was totally taken aback. We had discussed that the longer the baby could stay in my tummy, it would help to give him more time to develop especially his lungs. And I just wasn't in the mindset that we would be delivering him so soon. Becky said I could talk to Dr. Kirshon to discuss it more so she paged him for me.

Dr. Kirshon called me right away. He reiterated what Becky had told me about the panel's recommendations and he felt that this would be the best course of action. But of course, he said it was entirely up to James and I. But I know in my heart of hearts that he was looking out for us and the baby and was trying to give him the best chance possible.

Of course, I immediately call James and bring him up to speed. He is taken aback just as I was. But he says he'll come home right away so we can get ready and take me to the hospital. Then, I call my mom and ask if she can come up to watch Andrew.

James and I head to the hospital; and the nurses check me in. Everything is set into motion. I was prepped and then was brought into the delivery room. Finally, James was brought in after he changed into his scrubs.

Things get underway; and I keep trying to listen to everything everyone is saying. I kept waiting to hear a baby's cry. I just wanted to hear him cry. I just want them to tell me he's okay...even though I know that won't happen. But part of me can't help but hope. I remember them having to push down on my chest quite a bit I guess to get the baby out. It was terribly painful, but I just keep thinking to myself that it doesn't matter so long as they get the baby out.

Then, Dr. Kirshon said the baby was alive, but was going to be taken out of the room to be seen by the neonatologists as we had talked about. James and I had agreed that he would stay with the baby. I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone.

I waited and waited as they sewed me back up. And then Dr. Fernandez, a neotologist, came in and told me that they had done everything they could, but the baby wasn't responding. There wasn't anything more they could do. He said he would bring him in so we could hold him.

Then, James and I held our son until he went to be with our Heavenly Father.

We named him Matthew, which means "the gift of God" and Riggs for the surname of my godparents, Sidney and Alberta Riggs, who hopefully will watch over our angel in Heaven.